I’ve mention on Tumblr and various Kemetic forums that my relationship with Dejhuty has completely fallen apart, and in a very ugly way. I wanted to just let it be and move on, but I keep getting a nudge from Seshat that I should write about it, tell what happened.
This post is all UPG. This is my experience, and mine alone.
There’s going to be a lot of “I don’t know” or “I can’t remember” and that is because many of the events are a blur, though I will try to describe them as best as I can.
Disclaimer: If you aren’t comfortable reading about BDSM, D/s or relationships with an agreed-upon power dynamic (though I probably will not talk about the subject on here again for quite some time) you may want to skim this post. This blog is a safe space for me, and while I don’t want to make others uncomfortable, I also do not want to censor myself.
Having said that, here we go…
My relationship with Anpu has been complicated from the start. I’d say we’re friends, and I’ve described Him as a guide to me, but there’s a power dynamic (D/s) going on as well.
I can’t explain how the D/s elements started, it just kind of happened. I made a bracelet for Him, three chains (black and gold) braided together. It was supposed to just be a bracelet and a symbol of my trust in Him, but was long enough to need to be doubled up to fit properly around my wrist.
One night I tried to wear it like a necklace, just to see if I could. It fit closer to my neck, and felt like that was where it should be; in other words, it fit like a collar.
No, that can’t be right, I thought.
Yes, it is, He replied. In my mind, I saw that He was smiling, and it was a smile that said “it took you long enough, why didn’t you figure it out before?”
My relationship with Anpu didn’t change after that revelation. The only difference was that I was aware of the D/s undertones, and I was perfectly happy with them. I only wore the collar in shrine, but other than that I related to Him the same way as I always had.
Then about mid-August, what I refer to as “the itch” started. Thinking about the D/s aspect of our relationship was like a constant buzz in the back of my mind. Every poem I tried to write turned into a collaring ceremony. If He showed up in my dreams I’d sit at His feet and it felt as natural as breathing. But nothing officially *happened* we just talked about it. I talked to Ausir and the Morrigan as well, who said (in a nutshell) to follow my heart but not to rush into anything.
I ended up telling Anpu that while being collared by Him is something I want, it’s not something I’m ready for. I’m in no way ready and He backed off on the subject. But the itch in my head wouldn’t go away. If anything it got worse by the day. Anpu kept pointing out that if I had Him collar me just to make the itch stop, that step hadn’t been taken, and the gesture would be worthless.
And here’s where events become blurry, this is as best as I can recall.
In my dreams, Dejhuty started asking why I wasn’t collared, and when I said Anpu and I had agreed that I wasn’t ready, He started yelling at me, demanding that I be collared RIGHT AWAY. This wasn’t subtle persuasion, this was mean and nasty. I don’t remember what exactly I said, but it was along the lines of “if You don’t back off I’m taking my writing offerings elsewhere.”
I spoke with my other Gods, this time asking Them what to do. I’d realized that while Anpu has been the one to first bring this aspect up, Dejhuty has latched on to it, twisting the collaring from something beautiful that I’d choose out of love into something ugly that I’d be forced into.
In my next dream, I saw Anpu with knives in His hands, and Ausir get mad enough to yell. I have vague memories of telling Dejhuty that since He wouldn’t back off on this subject I had called on other Gods for help. He had manipulated my emotions and thoughts to the point that I’d wondered if I was going insane and had crossed my boundaries even after being repeatedly told to stop; He was being kicked out of my personal practice.
Things become slightly less blurry.
What I remember clearest is Set calming me down after the panic attack that followed. He sat down beside me and just talked to me, got me calm enough to stop shaking. ”It’ll be okay,” He said, “your Father [Ausir] and your Beloved [Anpu] are with you. I’m here. Take a deep breath. And another. Good. You did what you had to do.”
After the dreams.
Anpu has told me that if I had said yes, it…wouldn’t have been pretty–He’s been vague about what that means, and I don’t think I want to know.
Overall, I’m just listening to the silence in my mind and treasuring the quiet. I’m thinking over what happened and just wondering…why?